What we talk about the most when we talk about New York City is the cost of living.
Finding affordable housing is something rare and seemingly unthinkable. We have pizza parties and $8 bottles of wine to celebrate landing a 500-square-foot studio because we think we lucked out. A one-bedroom is simply unheard of, at least at our price point, and here prices start to rise. You’re looking at $2,500-$3,500 tops. You’re looking for down payments and security deposits. We talk about the dishwasher our rental has, and the fact we have a window with no view. We don’t think about doormen, and how luxe we feel that they’re available to gather our packages, partly because we can’t afford packages. It’s unfathomable to think of penthouses with elevator doors opening up to the apartment, or spacious showers where we can move around and not feel like sardines in a can—literally—because we’ve never actually seen these things, although they exist…
And boy they do.
We’ve compiled a list of the most expensive homes in New York. We’re looking at apartments with 50-60 million median price ranges and what that price offers.
THE ONE WITH 12,000 FEET AND 20 ROOMS
834 Fifth Avenue, 7/8A
$96,000,000
834 has remained, even after a major price cut, the most expensive apartment in all of New York, costing an unthinkable $96,000,000. The apartment combines two floors, making room for a grand marble staircase, a wine cellar, and a gallery. We’re wondering what the gallery room holds. Works of arts displayed on easels? Oh, the poor rich. They never know when they’re being over the top. Even listings for the apartment go nuts when describing it. Words like “resplendent,” “graceful” “soaring” and “grandeur” are a few that we caught. These definitely also describe our second-floor walk-up. Our “resplendent” Chinese menus slid in our outdoor doors, our “graceful” Murphy Beds, the graffiti in our halls that are absolutely full of “grandeur.”
THE ONE WITH THE YACHT AND THE ROLLS ROYCES
The Atelier, 45th Floor
635 W 42nd St
New York, NY 10036
$85,000,000
Hmm. The whopping price tag has remained the same since 2013, even after developers combined nine units on one floor, and so far no one has bought the apartment. We smell desperation. Especially when the amenities that come with the Atelier are so outrageous and over the top that you might be questioning why the developers don’t just drop the price without having to offer potential tenants not one but two Rolls Royce Phantoms, one hard top and one that is a convertible. If that’s not enough, the Atelier comes with a $1 million yacht with docking fees for 5 years and a Hamptons summer rental mansion with live-in butler services and a private chef for one year. There’s more, such as going to Daniel, which, when we first moved here, was just someone’s name and not an elegant and expensive restaurant. For one year, two of the wealthy owners get to eat there every week. We’re guessing the developers were not going for the ironic, like lunch for two every week at Pret a Manger at the 53rd and Third location.
THE ONE WITH THE TEMPERATURE-CONTROLLED VAULT FOR FURS
8 East 62nd Street
$84,500,000
This 1903 Beaux-Arts 15,000-square-foot limestone mansion is on the market by owner Keith Rubenstein, a developer. When the rich go to town, they really go to town. Hence the temperature-controlled vault for furs, a Bizmet cosmetics refrigerator, and marquetry floors in the dining room inspired by the floors of Pavlovsk Palace in St. Petersburg, Russia. The formal dining and living rooms have 17-foot tall ceilings. The fifth floor, with one additional bedroom and another that has been turned into a smoking room, is down the hall from the media room which includes a full wet bar and the billiard room where the walls are upholstered with custom Hermes leather. From the “resplendent”–!!!–rooftop terrace, you take an elevator to your private spa comprised of a massage room, a sauna, a cold plunge pool and a gym with a fritted glass rooftop. Now that really sounds, yes, resplendent.
THE ONE THAT IS THE TALLEST APARTMENT TOWER IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE
432 Park Avenue #PH95
$82,000,000
Living here allows bragging rights. After all, the 1,396 feet tall skyscraper with apartments ranging from $16,95 million to $82,5 million, is officially the tallest residential tower in the Western Hemisphere, surpassing the Empire State, at 1,250 feet, and the Chrysler Building, at 1,040 feet. Right now, you can buy an $82 million penthouse on the building’s 95th floor that has six bedrooms, seven bathrooms, 12-foot ceilings, a wood-burning fireplace and a library. You know, if you’re into luxurious things like that.
THE ONE WITH A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF FIREPLACES
50 East 69th Street
$72,000,000
This Beaux Arts-style seven-story townhouse mansion is so large that it needs not one but two elevators, originals to the home. You know, just in case you’re doing laundry that weighs heavily in your laundry basket. But wait! Why would the owner and his family be caught doing laundry in an over $70,000,000 mansion? And since we’re on the topic, how many fireplaces do the wealthy need? Well, at 50 East 89th, they need not four or five but fourteen. And they’re all marble. If we aspire to that sort of thing, we’d just turn the TV on during the holidays and watch an image of a yule log fireplace flickering.
THE ONE WITH THE 42’ LIBRARY
The Pierre, 30/31
2 E 61st St.
$70,000,000
The 16-room duplex on the 30th and 31st floors of the prestigious and legendary Pierre Hotel on Fifth Avenue is currently on the market for a very affordable $70,000,000. Sure, we can’t count that high, but we can dream about grand living rooms, dining rooms, and a 42 feet high library Everything is supersized, and while we would like to move up from sleeping on a twin bed in our 350 square foot studio on the corner of Happy and Healthy, the bedrooms are shockers, with tons of empty floor space that just seems like a waste. Recently renovated, the pad has hardwood floors, custom design details throughout and state-of-the-art lighting and technology systems. One question: does that include Nest, currently available at Home Depot, or are we missing something?
THE ONE WITH THE PRIVATE POOL WITH SWEEPING VIEWS
50 United Nations Plaza
$70,000,000
Owner Norman Foster put this 70 million mega-penthouse on the market, a 10,000 square foot abode that has a 10,000-pound stainless steel spiral staircase that leads up to a higher floor where you’ll find a decadent 34 foot long pool. In addition, there are four bedrooms plus staff quarters, a 525-square-foot north-facing terrace. If you have an additional $100 million lying around—and you know most of us do—it’s possible for the duplex to be combined with another penthouse, making the total layout a whopping 16,000-square-feet.
THE ONE WITH THE “ENTERTAINING KITCHEN”
70 Vestry PHS
$65,000,000
Robert Stern’s new Tribeca building, 70 Vestry, has a new penthouse on the market that measures more than 10,000 square feet and is the largest unit in the building. And it can be yours for just $65 million. Just!
The private elevator is connected to the 3,687 square feet of outside space. The penthouse has an “entertaining kitchen.” We’re not sure what that means. Does it mean that the wealthy stand on the island in the kitchen and belt out a show tune in the shrill mating call of a bright orange spring male garden peeper? No? We do know, though, that there is an additional less entertaining kitchen, as well as two terraces, a gallery, a library and a solarium.
The crown of the penthouse is the 2,000-square-foot roof deck, which takes full advantage of the unit’s south- and west-facing views, and has its own private elevator. Of course, it does.
THE ONE WHERE THE CLOONEYS LIVE
100 East 53rd Street #PH
$65,000,000
This 6,760-square-foot four-bedroom penthouse, currently on the market for a whopping $65,000,000, occupies two floors and boasts a 44-foot long great room with 23-foot ceilings that’s perfect to showcase an owner’s artwork collections. By now the novelty of a direct elevator opening up to the apartment has lost its charm. It’s like: we get it, you’re rich. George and Amal Clooney own a three-bedroom that costs around $14.75 million here. The building is filled with luxurious amenities like a 60-foot sunlit swimming pool, sauna and steam room as well as a yoga room, but the best feature might be the fact Clooney’s close friend Rande Gerber and his long-term wife Cindy Crawford purchased the unit directly above the Clooneys.
As for the 65 mill penthouse, it has 11-foot ceilings and white oak flooring throughout the home. The 3,385-square-foot condo includes a great room with floor-to-ceiling windows and a Foster + Partners-designed open chef’s kitchen. The bath is like a spa with a five-fixture bath that has heated travertine floors, an oak vanity, freestanding soaking tub and a glass-enclosed steam shower.
THE ONE WHERE WE LOST COUNT OF ALL THE KITCHENS THIS MANSION HAS
11-13 West 10th Street
$59,500,000
This 55-foot wide single-family mansion, at 11-13 West 10th Street, is located deep in the heart of Greenwich Village, an area that is highly desirable to live if not for the high price tags. This mansion also has a—surprise!—commercial grade elevator serving all six levels, from the cellar to the top floor. There’s also a 5,690 square feet outdoor space complete with a manicured garden, a terrace, and a roof deck. Sub-Zero, Viking, and Miele—all our old friends!— join a huge onyx center island in the chef’s kitchen. (There’s also a butler’s kitchen). If that’s not enough, there’s a walk-in temperature-controlled wine cellar with a 2,500-bottle capacity, a staff’s quarters, and original leaded glass windows with intricate wooden trim throughout. On the third floor of this outlandish yet posh mansion is a surround-sound movie theater, a home gym, and another terrace. We lost count, but there’s more than one kitchen here in various states and sizes. We know how large this place is, but multiple kitchens? And we used to be in awe of penthouses with commercial elevators. Oh, silly us, we’re so young and naïve.
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